NEWARK INVASION UPDATE

AUGUST 24, 2003

The citizens of Newark are still chafing under the bootheel of one President Eugene Shrubb, who invaded, with his Army of Bums about six months ago, claiming that the municipality was harboring Weapons of Mass Doo-Doo in the form of poodles, as well as a storehouse of sterno cans.

Well, any poodles that may have resided in Newark have long since fled as Eugene and his band have been ransacking the liquor stores all up and down El Camino Real. At first, this provided some amusement to the locals, who, it must be admitted, have labored long under a cruel government sadly lacking in aesthetics. El Camino Real has turned into a real garbage strip of knick-knack stores and body shops which do not appear to sell anything of value to anyone. Even a pretentious statue of some self-inflated dictator would be an eyesore relief.

In any case, the locals have taken to sneaking up behind the bums and giving a good wallop to the backside of the head before scampering off into the underbrush. Not a few have even set loose their hounds. Mutilating the britches most unmercifully. Again the terrible specter of Terrierism haunts the Nation.

One local, speaking in the local dialect put it thusly, "Ah taint a horse-thief. Git outta mah yahrd!"

Words to ponder indeed with lessons for all of us. Don't accuse a man of stealing your horses unless you have solid proof and don't invade his country unless the hoof-prints lead to his door.

Some of you may recall that Eugene Shrubb invaded Newark some time ago looking for Weapons of Mass Doo-doo with his Army of Bums, not to be confused with the State Legislature, whom they greatly resemble in the opinion of many. Its been a few months now and no weapons have turned up in spite of some serious looking about and some high-falutin' studies. Furthermore, the Occupation has run into a stubborn -- and entirely unanticipated -- resistance from the Newark Geriatric Ladies Who Drive Association. Many of these members, we have discovered, do not drive at all but attend meetings entirely out of a social pursuit, calling into question the validity and legality of the entire organization.

Well, now Eugene has gone to the City Council so as to appeal for the grant of 87 billion cans of sterno. It was a solemn moment for which Eugene had taken the extreme trouble of bathing. When pressed on this extraordinary and absurd request, Eugene has responded that the 87 billion are needed to rebuild the Newark infrastructure after the damage of War and Occupation and the deposition of the Tyrant who remains to be found.

"Newark Infrastructure!" snorted Councilperson Dingus. "Newark was named appropriately after the armpit of the Country! It never had no infrastructure!"

In truth, the streets of Newark resemble their namesake quite well, for down main street flows the vomit of America in the form of fast food joints, crooked body shops, linoleum centers, strange retail outlets that never seem to offer anything useful, really minor methamphetamine labs, and fantod factories of ill repute, as well as a factory reek of some unknown origin. They have always been this way and even the Occupation has changed little in the nature of things. Like many parts of the world, the people of Newark make stupid geegaws of little use, trafficked in drugs and otherwise got by with only the occasional invasion, largely a function of invading somebody else more useful. Why Eugene insists on remaining for a time seems utterly incomprehensible to everybody.

In a moment of dementia or lightheartedness, the Council agreed to give Eugene Shrubb, a proven liar of the first degree, 87 billion cans of sterno with which to rebuild Newark. Newark, it should be noted, cannot hold 87 billion cans of anything anywhere within its borders at any one time. It can only be assumed that friendly kickbacks will occur and business will resume as usual, somewhat to the detriment of the taxpayer, but at this point, it seems obvious nobody gives serious fuck-all concern about them. What good are they anyway?

In the meantime, a few querulous old fogies have noted that the recent reports indicate that Newark never had WMDD, never had the capability to make them, never had the intention of making them and that the Newark Council is incapable of making a system of city-wide toilets, let alone an advanced and intimidating system of atomic weapons. In response, Eugene has responded brilliantly by declaiming, "See! I was right all along!"

This has succeeded in confusing his enemies to an inordinate degree.

It should be noted that his enemies have not shown really much to speak for them. Victor Camejo, of the Greens, has been most forthcoming in stating emphatically, "Eef he disturbs one seeengle tree in Newark, I will mess up his hair reeeel bad!"

Arnold, has this to say, "Vot? Get out of my light. You prevent the populace from admiring my bulges."

So there you have it. California politics at its finest hour.

We also note that the recent issue of Popular Science described an airwar, complete with maps of targets and such, against a formidable enemy: Southern California. Vandenburg AF Base is show most spectacularly in flames.

Now really people, we think California bashing has gone far enough. After all, we do provide most of your food, dude.

That's just the way it is. Have a great week.

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