Annual Thanksgiving Day Poodleshoot And Barbecue
Thanksgiving is almost upon us and thoughts turn to walking in the crisp, autumn air among the swirling dance of multi-colored leaves, and to delightful images of blowing away bowser with your brand-new laser-guided thirty-ought-six.
The Shoot begins, at the crack of dawn, Thursday, November 24th this year with extended hours due to the extreme popularity of the event and to allow for full recovery from injuries/hangovers incurred during the festivities. All contestants are to check in at the Old Same Place in the Brown Shoe Square down by the Ferry Landing on the North End promptly at four a.m. The official "kill" period has been extended up to four o'clock in the evening when the bar-b-que should be in full swing to allow for stragglers to bring in their catch from distant parts, but these late comers will be summarily judged as not fit for the Kingdom of Heaven and hence, not eligible for any prizes.
The official beverage remains, of course, Wild Turkey.
The awards will be given at eight, when a slide show and special mention of last years contestants will be made. We expect to be honored this year by several Special Guests, including the traditional delegation from Washington DC, as well as honorees from the Defeated Party in a new spirit of bipartisanship.
Attendees will be comforted to know that Richard "Buckshot" Cheney will NOT attend, as the former Veep has indicated he prefers the "safer" hunting environment of his usual cage-released target shoot. Also the man has indicated obtaining proper permits for the area is a dreadful bother. We also prefer a safe hunting environment and a new rule has been included this year. See below.
OFFICIAL ISLAND RULES
The contest will be held over the weekend during and following Thanksgiving, November 2016. Starting time is 5 AM on Thursday, November 24th . Ending time for judging is noon on Saturday, November 25th, just before the Grand Barbecue.
This year, the 'Shoot will try to stay clear of the churches on Santa Clara near Park Street by request of Reverend Houndog of the 1st Church of the Sanctified Elvis of Alameda due to a previous year's wedding disruption. We'll try to stay away anyhow as Rev. Freethought of the 1st Unitarian Church has prayed that we remain away from Church Row entirely and the expense of repairing the burned pews two years ago nearly bankrupted the club coffers.
The Dick "Buckshot" Rule #1: No participant shall deliberately take aim at, discharge his weapon at, nor strike in any way any other participant whatever that participant's occupation shall be, no matter how odious, whether litigation attorney or health insurance executive.
DBC Rule #2: Violation of the above rule shall include public censure, ejection from the Event, forfeiture of all prizes, and termination of any political career(s).
DBC Rule #3: Exceptions to the rule include accidental injury due to ricochet, fragmentation of exploding ordinance, willful misconduct of the injured party, abject foolishness, burns. Etc.
All kills must be made within the area bounded the confines of the Island, extending out to 300 yards offshore and 100 yards in the Tunnel. No kills allowed past the first draw ratchet on any of the bridges in the interest of public safety.
Roving observers will be placed throughout the area, and will patrol the boundaries.
Any contestant caught smuggling poodles into the area, dead or alive, will be disqualified.
Any projectile weapon is acceptable, however, since scoring is done on the basis of weight as well as nose counting, explosive shells and flame-throwers are contraindicated except as distracters. In the interest of specialty hunters, bladed and club-type weapons will be permitted based on previous judgments regarding kill suitability for the BBB..
Nets and Exploding traps, tiger pits with sharpened stakes, tripwire activated devices will now be permitted on a trial basis.
Per request, the confirmation of .22 long and short ammunition as permitted will now be explicitly stated, with warnings that shorts do require dangerously close range for effectiveness.
Scoring is done on a point system as follows. The contestant with the greatest number of points at noon Saturday following the actual shoot wins. Runner-up prizes will be given as deemed appropriate.
To claim points, the kill must be registered with the official scorekeepers stationed at the beach at the Cove. Meathooks will be available for weekend rental, and kills will be displayed for public appreciation and comment.
Points are given as follows: 10 points per head (or ears if head is missing). 1 point per pound, up to 5 pounds. 5 point bonus if carcass can be used for barbecue. Score is doubled if pedigree can be proven. In view of last year's musical triumph, any kill involving a tuba will be granted 15 bonus points.
A special judge will be in attendance for special cases. He will be the sole arbiter for all rules disputes, such as deciding if a kill is really a poodle. He will also award extra points for audacious or extra skillful kills.
To qualify for these extra points, the kill must be witnessed by a roving monitor, or a fair witness (available for rent), or by the harbor patrol. Since during the last two PS&B they were unable to assist due to over consumption of the Official Beverage, the number of monitors has been doubled.
Extra skill kills can include picking the little buggers off when they are on the tower balconies on Shoreline. Rigging ricochet shots may qualify for both extra points and a lawsuit.
Some of the highlights of past year's PS&B will make clear what is considered worthy of extra points:
HIGHLIGHTS FROM PREVIOUS YEARS
* In 1998, Doyle McGowan of Santa Clara Avenue scaled City Hall's now defunct bell tower in the first Poodleshoot, and using a mortar, scored twenty kills before he was thrown from the roof of the building by irate boat owners from the Crab Cove Marina. The extra points were awarded posthumously.
* Honorable Mention for 2000's explosive BBQ, went to the Seaver-Kent cadre from distant Palo Alto, who braved bitter winds and fog over the straits to participate with a set of explosive golf balls and a jeep-mounted anti-aircraft gun, used most effectively along the Northwestern Territories of the former Navy Base.
* Using a military-grade Forest Defoliant Flame-thrower during the infamous shoot of '01, Art Javier succeeded in bringing in five kills Ready-to-Eat before his truck exploded down by Otis Drive.* In 2002, Michael Ramsey of St. Charles Street garnered a rare Double Valor Award for bagging a Russian Bluehair with a nice grouping of eight shots from his Custom Service Revolver, which was followed up by his issuing several citations for Transport of Controlled Substances and Jaywalking.
In 2003, Tom York of Oaktown got a special mention for his drive-by kill done with a thirty-ought six to a six pounder on a leash. The blast knocked Fifi in a loop, still attached to the leash, in a manner that won praise for style and grace. The Committee gladly paid medical costs to Tom for his resultant handbag injuries.
* In 2004, Honorable Mention went to San Anselmo's visiting Paul Bailiff, who effectively employed a razor-studded Telecaster while leaning from a golf-cart driven by his wife, Mary Beth, who also used spare E-strings to tie 'em up afterwards. Nice little family team there. Paul uses only Dean Markley strings.
* During the infamous "Hapless Shoot" of '05, visiting dignitary Dick "Buckshot" Cheney failed to bag any poodles according to the rules, but did manage to wound several Conservative Attorneys, and so earned an Honorable Mention, perhaps the first that V.P. Dick "Buckshot" Cheney has ever garnered. As a result of this melee, special rules have been enacted. (see DBC 1, 2, & 3)* In 2006, visiting archeologist, Laura Croft, bagged a brace of very rare Dino-poodles. Everyone complemented the English lassie on what a nice set she had.
* In 2008, a man identified only as "Bear" won Most Honorable Mention for defending the Grotto of the Church of the Sanctified Elvis by use of a 1939 Harley-Davidson drive-chain he had been previously employing as a cummerbund.
* 2009 Honorable Mentions and Awards of Valor went to Carol Taylor and Patti of St. Charles, who successfully defended themselves and took their prey when cornered in a boathouse and out of shells for their 8-gauge shotguns, they took up pitchforks in a dicey battle to the finish. Also In 2009, Susan Laing won a Special Mention for her performance upon the trumpet and the Julia Childs Award went to the Lawyer's Union of Hayward which created a scrumptious dish of pork and poodle with sour cream sauce.
* 2010, Maureen of Petaluma took several nice silverhairs with her laser-guided Ruger and got Honorable Mention at the Pit for her Chien au Flambee and Boushintang recipes.
* 2011, vistors Marty and Ruth of Don't Poke Los Oso, Alaska won Honorable Mentions for ingenious team use of a decommissioned BARC (LARC 60), which as everyone knows features a unique control cabin designed by US Army Engineers, in which the pilot has no vision to the front, relying upon the exposed mate's hand signals to guide the amphibious vehicle (AAV) during operation and combat. The mounted 50 cals caused a fair amount of ruckus down by Crab Cove and an estimated 30 canines, along with their owners, several palm trees, and the exhibit center, were entirely destroyed.
*2012, Rep. Weiner won first prize for sports action photography, Kristin SweetMarie Coomber and Jessica McGowan-Vanderbeck, both with Incendiary Bustier Shriekerspritzers won Honorable Mention for best use of weaponized bodyparts combined with musical instruments. Nice pair, those gals.
*2013, A special Group Prize was awarded to the congregation from the Temple of the Latter Day Saints up on the hill in Oaktown for their collaborative effort in overwhelming a pack of poodle-walkers by means of preaching the word of Joseph Smith to the point of slack-jawed insensibility. At which point the poos were collectively dispatched by means of farming implements supplied by our Amish congregation. Fine missionary positions displayed by both church bodies. First Prize went to Doyle McGowan of Babylon across the water for displaying excellent boxing skills while partnered with associate Richard "Wiz" Wizenhunt of Arizona. It is not often that kills are acquired via the "Sweet Science", and people at the BBQ all commented how tenderized were their meat portions. Prize money went far to help defray subsequent legal expenses incurred by the two pugilists.
*2014, Beatrice Benjamin led Toto (Woodacre, Marin) in a counter-canine assault that earned her and her noble terrier a letter of congratulations from the Mayor. Her vocal performance of Canis Doloroso during the concluding ceremonies was especially moving.
*2015 Dr. Phipps of New Mexico won an award and a nomination for the Nobel Prize in Poodle Ablation by way of using a highpowered laser bounced from a helium balloon clad with mirrors. Proof that America still knows how,
*2016 Vladimir Putin's hired contingent won honors for their Stealthy Techniques and Obfuscation grenades.
We wish to stress that the sponsors are not responsible in any way for damage or death caused by any participant, and we are not liable in any way for dementia, property loss, teeth and claw marks, or any acts of nature or otherwise. (Waivers to this effect must be filed in order to be an official participant.)
Hints And Tips
Poodles (or puddles or piddles as they are sometimes called) are easy to recognize. They are extremely small, obnoxious dogs with a vicious temper and are extremely nervous. They are often ritually shorn to resemble a pile of dingo balls with cancer.
They are easy to track out of doors by following the trail of urine and feces that they continuously generate. Poodles are also easy to find when hidden on boats, since they are so nervous that if someone farts in a boat three ships away from the beast, he will be answered immediately with an angry yapyapyap which takes longer to subside than the wake of a supertanker in shallow water.
Caution must be exercised when a poodle has been tracked to his lair. These sneaky, treacherous animals distract you with constant yammer when (or even before) you enter their den, and piss all over the floor while doing a wild series of acrobatics, hoping to skip, fall, and be knocked unconscious. This viper of a dog then proceeds to activities too gruesome to mention.
Although not explicit in the rules, persons attempting to defend poodles during the contest are considered fair game.
All kills entered for points become the property of the 15th Annual Poodle-Shoot and Barbeque Committee, and are used to provide the main course for the barbeque (BYOB).
Since there are always more kills than can be used in the BBQ, the remainder will be sold to Thai restaurants in the Bay Area, and the proceeds used to defray mortuary and legal expenses incurred during the contest.
The kill most embodying the spirit of the contest (as judged by a select panel of experts) will be bronzed and used as part of the 1st prize trophy. Second prize will be a set of almost new propellers, and third prize will be a year's supply of fast food from the Pasta Pelican.
A new prize, inspired by Maureen of Petaluma, entitled the Brigitte Bardot Memorial Prize, featuring six months of free Thai restaurant food, will be issued for best recipe.